How to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship?

Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for unity exists alongside our need for separation. One does not exist without the other. When there is a lot of fusion, at some point there is nothing more to transcend, no other internal world to enter. When two become one, the connection can no longer happen because there is no one to connect with. Thus, separation, individuality is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

It is also true that with a great distance, there can be no connection.

Many people today, expect so much from the relationship, but invest so little compared to other areas of life. They come home at night, take off their nice clothes, sit on the couch and relax. They feel that they have already made every effort to be in the world.

But then, how can they want more intimacy, more intensity, and emotion, more good sex?

Achieving all of this requires a different type of relationship, a different type of investment and presence.

Unfortunately, to satisfy our need for autonomy, we can reach a stage where we are so good at meeting our own needs; so solid in valuing and worshiping ourselves that we are no longer willing to be proactive or give in to the other.

The old problem of codependency became extreme independence, it became more of a conditioning, the main road.

Monogamy has become poly-love, plus conditioning, the main road.

What is your truth?

Being independent before everything means thinking with your own head and heart, taking care to understand what we believe to be ours, but it is nothing more than an external conditioning.

I am not sharing this with you to convince you of anything but to free you from your own untruths, which result in "duties", and end up undermining a healthy relationship.

For a long time I tried to suppress my needs in the relationship and for a long time I did not know how to listen with heart to the needs of my partner.
Now I hear the truth that my uterine power and my heart are telling me and I try to be more and more open to empathetic listening to myself and the other.

Internal union is necessary and beautiful, as well as a level of independence that we must all cultivate in order to be whole before each other.
In this way, we do not just give in to the reactivity of the ego and demand a wounded space that intends to fill what is missing within us. We are not so involved in the "me story" and assume self-responsibility.

Because sometimes we unconsciously want reason at all costs, we want to feel like the person who "is doing more than the other", we live on the stories we tell ourselves and it is difficult to give up on these stories, which basically give us an entire identity, a way of understanding each other.

Part of what changes the dynamics of the relationship involves giving up your story.
A story becomes the standard, and the standard becomes rigidity.
People have a history around attachment, trust, respect, gender and body.
People may have experienced too much attention in their own stories, or too little attention.
Each person comes with his "dowry" in the world of relationships, so they have expectations.
"With my beloved, I will never feel this way again, I will never feel alone."
"Now I don't have to worry about being abandoned anymore."
"With my beloved I will never be suffocated, I will be loved the way I am".

Relationships are complicated when we have expectations of how people "should" behave and we are quite frustrated when our expectations are not met.
If in your relationship you criticize your loved one every time he destroys your ideal image of what love should look like, or closes in on yourself, instead of sharing what you feel, you are missing out on a powerful opportunity for growth.

The impediment to this opening happens mainly because many times, when we show our truth and vulnerability, we are offended, rejected, punished or manipulated.
It is a very common and well-known situation, for example, when a man who has always hidden the fact of being surprised when thinking or looking at other women, now feels that the time has come to share this conditioning with his partner. He doesn't want to be unfaithful to the woman he has a relationship with, but he is tired of hiding things, he wants to open up. Instead of appreciating her honesty and her desire to share her truth intimately, the woman explodes, cries and threatens to end.

That is why we tend to live a life protected by armor.

A woman tries to talk about her difficulty in reaching orgasm in the sexual act, wants to open up to find a solution together and not continue to pretend with her beloved, but the man feels criticized, feels that she is blaming him and starts to think that she is trying to compare him to other men better than him; his manhood is hurt and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

Perhaps it is time for us to embrace the taste of love in all its humanity.

Perhaps it is time to welcome more, allowing our needs to be seen, felt and met not only by ourselves, but also by others.

Yes, it can be really scary. Yes, we must face our fear of rejection and fear of loss. Yes, it means trusting and letting go of the harmful barriers that we are taught to defend. Yes, we must let go of our pride and feelings of attachment.

But in our choice to be vulnerable, we surrender to a level of presence and love in ourselves that cannot be felt if we remain closed.

It is about breathing, feeling and being true to what you are feeling every moment, with the pain, the doubt or the dilemma that can arise in the heart and share and still feel safe and kept in love.

This is not about wanting someone to fill in the missing pieces. When we become responsible for our own emotions and resume our projections, we can honestly share our needs with love; without pointing the finger criticizing each other.

Beautiful relationships begin with corporate self-reflection. Looking at ourselves; finding, following and trusting our needs, taking responsibility for our internal state in a very real way.

Our egos are fragile and we don't like to change. Even the most useful feedback, with the best intentions, can bring out the worst side of us, as shame and guilt arises about what is being shown to us.
I know for myself, when someone I love becomes unhappy with me, it can be difficult to deal with the feelings of inadequacy that arise.

But when we can make room for the truth of the other and listen without judgment, we can welcome with love; instead of deflecting through attack, defense, analysis or guesswork.

A beautiful, mature, harmonious, inspiring and honest relationship is only possible when you can share what you feel and hear with a loving and confident heart.
It is amazing how when I surrender, or welcome the other in their surrender, the veils fall and you don't need to take anything personally.
That's when the fun really starts and you can start creating a real relationship, instead of wasting energy to be right, (which only creates drama) instead of being kind and open.

So how do we cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship?

With a sincere desire to support each other's happiness and challenges, with time, patience and PRESENCE and the will not to defend oneself in the face of love.
With tenderness, renouncing our mind when trying to shape, change or fix another person.
With ACCEPTANCE, the deepest hug you can give to another person.
With lightness, an ability to feel, to communicate, to be playful, to be real.
DEEPLY, penetrating and receiving intensely from the heart, inside and outside the bed.

That is how we cultivate our total devotion by embracing everything in human experience - allowing LOVE and FREEDOM to dance and flow.

If you want to move from a codependent relationship to one of interdependence, check out our next courses, where you will learn to navigate the realm of the relationship, so that it becomes your greatest teacher - not through separation or conflict, but through self-responsibility, self-love and honor to the divine within yourself and your loved one.

We hope to see you there.

With love,
Veronica (Sonala)