I can't talk openly in my relationship

This is a question frequently received within the Therapy. Many couples find it difficult to establish an open and sincere dialogue with their partner, regardless of how long the relationship has been established.

One of the biggest complaints I receive in the office is the difficulty in exposing desires, one part is afraid of what the other will think, whether they will judge or not, what will be exposed, they are afraid of how the other will react in front of what is said. We create a fantasy in relation to the other, we elaborate the whole scenario in our head of how the other will react to a given situation, and this helps the emotional triggers to emerge.

Generally, our fears are related to experiences we live throughout life, fear is just one of the emotions that can be registered in our body and unconscious, so when we enter the field of fantasy and try to deduce what the other is will feel, speaks much more about what I may have experienced in relation to a certain subject or refers to a sensation that is registered in my cells.

What does this have to do with keeping an open dialogue within the relationship? The relationship can be a space for you to feel safe to talk with whoever you chose to share your life at that moment. When I fail to expose my desires and needs within the relationship, I feed my wounded child who has always given up what he wanted to please Mom and Dad, to be the exemplary son or daughter, to give pride and satisfy the other.

We keep repeating the same pattern throughout life, but unconsciously, in countless ways, for example, I avoid talking about my will, I avoid talking when something bothers me to avoid friction, I don't want to argue, I don't want to talk about what I feel for fear of displeasing the other, to be accepted I keep silent because that way I will be accepted, I erase myself to be with another, that way I don't bother and I will be loved.

How can I start to feel safe to talk about what I want or how I feel within the relationship? Talking sincerely. Yes. You will be afraid, you will want to give up, you will think and create scenarios in your head of how the other will react, however, if you do not take this initiative, your life is at great risk, living a relationship at the mercy of wills from the other. I strongly recommend Psychotherapy so that you can feel more secure and have a space to share your anxieties, to learn to filter what you really want to talk to the other and feel safe about it.

There is no magic. There is no cake recipe I can prescribe for you. It is important that you learn to identify when it is the adult human being who is speaking and when it is your wounded child who is in the scene. Fears, anguishes, anger, joy, pleasure, we all feel... It is important to welcome these emotions, to learn to filter them so that you can once again express yourself authentically.